Motherhood is beautiful but the life that comes with it can be so very draining. I love my three little shit heads to the moon and back and probably back out to the universe on going for infinity. The love for my children is unmeasurable. I have to come here tonight though and just vent a little.
There was one day not so long ago that mother was not a name that associated with. I was JeNeal a spunky, curious, loud being who was on the search for her soul and the meaning of life. Clueless and fearful I lived this life waiting and searching for the meaning of it all. It wasn't until (8 years ago) that a little crack into my soul opened and that was the day my oldest daughter was born. It wasn't until she entered this world that I had finally found an introduction to my spirituality. It wasn't until I found and felt that love that I was able to understand on a deeper level my desire to become the woman that sat still inside of me, who wanted much more from this life and to pass on this desire to this little baby girl.
Fast forward to 8 years later, and the addition of two more gentle spirits that call me mother as well, and the woman that showed herself way back then, has now taken the wheel and leading me with my whole heart into a world that keeps me forever on my toes. Pushing me, testing me, allowing for me to keep on growing.
(I am not saying you cannot find this spark of spirituality without children, this is just how it happened for me.)
The last few days being a mother has really bit me in the butt. I've been in my shadow, only seeing the stunted work that motherhood brings.
When will I have a moment to myself?
Will I ever be able to get what I desire?
How can I have my dream career, if all my time goes to these little humans?
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ALLOW FOR ME TO MEDITATE!?
I know right.... so contradictory to who I am and striving to be. Constantly complaining of never having enough time to explore "JeNeal" why has she been forgotten and mother/wife be the only name I know?
I've thought about this a lot over the past couple of weeks and never did it occur to me that it was these children who truly have brought me peace, who have truly pushed me to be better, and that it is for them that I want to conquer this cruel world; bring lightness into the dark.
Deep Breath...in and out
Deep Breath...in and out
Deep Breath...in and out
I CAN do this. but I must remember in Divine Timing. I must remember that I have to push harder, work harder, but allow for the ease to come with purpose. I must set time aside for myself which means waking up earlier and staying up a little later. I must focus on the end result and not on the time that is taken away from me but focus on the time that I HAVE BEEN GIFTED to give to these children, by helping them grow and learn to be the best version of themselves that they can be. This is my dream, to raise strong women and to teach gentleness to my strong son.
I'm reminded each time that I get frustrated with being a mother, that there is a lesson, and these lessons are solely for my growth.
I'm taking a class right now on how to raise children with spirituality and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life. This class is helping me understand that WE ALL as parents have fears, get frustrated, and fail, its how we use these times to develop more meaning with each and every "failure."
I know that in just a few short months, when I'll no longer have a nursing baby waking me to feed. Soon he'll be searching for his little moments of independence where he won't want mommy to feed him and hold him, he'll want to do everything by himself just like my two older girls and that I will cry that this part of my life that is consuming my every minute has faded into only a memory. Just thinking about that makes me want to bawl my eyes out.
My children are my dream. The writer, the life-coach, the JeNeal who tries to escape from motherhood into the outside world of spiritual enlightenment who IS going to change the world, will not, and cannot grow without understanding and re-learning again and again that it IS motherhood that drives ME to be that WOMAN.
Motherhood is my gift of growth and by learning to do it with PURPOSE and EASE will be what gets me to that end dream.
Time is nothing, minutes aren't real, but the sun rises and sets giving me new day... until the day I die. I live on a beautiful planet, surrounded by beautiful people and I get to choose how I spend these moments in the sun. I don't need minutes chasing me telling me that I'll never be enough or have enough. I am enough and I need to see the beauty in the hardships and know that although I don't always see it, with each moment of joy, and with each heart ache another piece of my soul seeps through my cracks.
I guess in the end of things...
I create moments for myself!
I create my desires to manifest!
I am living my dream career right now as a wife and mother... and it is building me up and molding me to become the VERY BEST for when time brings different opportunities that would have never shown up otherwise.
I can create time for meditation. Shhhh. Be still. Can you hear the birds? Close your eyes, breathe deep, can you hear the wind. These little humans will giggle and sit quiet for only a minute but then again what is a minute?
Patience. Love. Purpose. Ease. Lessons of motherhood that will GIVE forever and ever.
Yes life is hard! with and without children. BUT it is YOU who creates and designs the life that you are living. It is you who must push through the hardships and frustrations and instead of seeing them as bad things turn them into growth and expansion. Learn to communicate better and involve these little teachers in your own growth.
Whew! I feel much better now. Looky here, I scooped out a moment to send this message and was only interrupted once to nurse my beautiful boy back to sleep. Awwwhhh... the beautiful joys of motherhood. Now I'm going to take full advantage of watching him sleep, before I know it--- this will only be a memory.
All is okay...there's always the New Moon. For the past year or so I've really been tuning into the Universe and what she has to offer my soul. Her voice is soft but can be spoken so loud and clear. One of the ways the Universe talks to me is through her moon. I've learned to pay attention to Mother Moon and to dive deeper into the lessons she teaches with each phase.
The past two weeks have been so disastrous, I was almost certain that my whole world was going to collapse and I was almost certain that I was never going to make it out alive. Having known something so deeply as a truth to find out was just the opposite really messed with my core. It made me second guess everything that I was and who I'm supposed to be. A truth unraveling into the darkest of hate can really test your faith. Now that we've pushed through it and I see it for what it is I can release the darkness and I know I'm better for it. Pushing through made me re-evaluate everything and I'm forever grateful to be able to sit with Mother Moon and hear all her love, support, and wisdom. Rebuilding, new intentions set, a new beginning, all with more love and with a slate wiped clean. New goals made with the new lessons learned and an even deeper sense of who I am was brought forth with this New Moon. As this lesson tugs on the strings of my heart, I am embraced by the Universe and forever grateful for Mother Moon and her new beginnings.
There are many forks in this journey of life, sometimes the direction you've chosen doesn't pan out the way you imagined, sometimes the path that you've chosen blows up in your face. Sometimes it doesn't but if it does (like it just did for me) try to remember....
There's ALWAYS the New Moon.
A new journey has begun and I decided that I needed to bring home some more of the Universe, so, I decided to add to my gem collection.
Today is one of those days feeling the insecurities, the struggles, the pain. Today is a day I want to be left alone and to just write and express. But that isn't an option because there are littles who need fed, held, changed, entertainment, most of all love. Most of the time I can handle that EASY but today....today is not one of those days.
I know my energy is felt in the whole house which tends to make an even bigger mess of things. The children become even more needy and every little bit of silence is consumed by cries or laughter and hyper activity and there's the television that is on with a show in hopes for just a little bit of time away but it is being drowned out by the chaos. Husband is working which is great but it leaves this mom in a maddening state. I am thankful that I know why and how to take a step inside while right in the middle of insanity. I understand the importance of my breath. In all of this I'm learning a lesson, taught to me so many times....about patience and the power of a whisper and a hug. I'm being reminded how moments fly fast and time is nothing to judge. I'm understanding that I do not hold the wheel and that my moments are are part of me, not separate, and out of my control.
I'm hearing whispers of guidance informing me that all only lasts mere seconds. Whispers to pay attention to things taken for granted. Little fingers and toes covered in slobber, his teeth (only 2) showing from a smile, giggles galore from fart noises along with other silly madness. And to take in and feel all there is to feel with each of their hugs.
Although I've screamed and freaked out a million times today, I've also been learning. The same lessons repeat until it's been learned. I think patience will always be something that I'm having to learn over over again. I'm okay with this because at the end of the day those whispers come back and they are filled with little stories of moments with the loves of my life. Moments into memories that I hope will forever remain with me.
So thank you, Bad day, for reminding me to stop and get grounded and take in a life lesson that is truly a blessing in disguise.
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